7 Childhood Sports / Games You Thought You Were Good At, But Probably Weren't

By Gregory John "G.J." Vitale on April 17, 2014

Image courtesy of Flickr

1. Wiffle Ball

The idea of playing baseball in your neighborhood without the threat of breaking windows was likely very exciting for you. You got so pumped that you were going to mash your friend’s best attempts to strike you out and then show him the true meaning of the word pain when you struck him out every time …

But man, could that ball move around in all sorts of funny ways. Throwing it, you never could figure out how to make it go where you wanted it to. Swinging that skinny plastic bat, you felt it was about the least capable design for hitting such an unstable target. Even when you did get a piece of it, the holes in the ball would always get caught up in the wind so you couldn’t even hit it further than the person throwing to you. Besides, you were probably playing it wrong the whole time anyways.

2. Miniature golf (aka putt-putt)

For the short-attention span kids, mini golf was a great idea, but soon turned into the most boring experience of your life … waiting for other players to shoot, resisting the urge to just smack the crap out of the ball and dealing with incessantly annoying hole designs. Sure, it was fun to get lucky once in a while and act like you meant to pull off that quadruple ricochet hole-in-one shot, but the majority of mini golf had you fighting back strokes. Who puts a hole at the apex of a hill? How am I supposed to hit it hard enough to get it over the hill but soft enough so that it doesn’t roll over the other side? You can’t. Just go ahead and freak out now because you’ll be here for a while.

Image courtesy of Wikipedia

3. Ping-pong

In a game where the differences between players’ skills is readily apparent, ping-pong takes a lot of practice. Before efficient play can be accomplished, your body needs to train itself to effortlessly judge the power and spin of your opponent’s hit and simultaneously make a decision on how you will return.

Obviously, when you were a kid, you did not consciously consider this process … you were just looking to hit the ball to the other side of the table each time. If you were “good” when you were younger, that probably meant that you merely had the patience enough to be content simply hitting the ball to the other side. Such a method would undoubtedly lead your opponent dangerously close to boredom, after which they are likely to try a move beyond their skill set and either hit it into the net or off the table.

4. Kickball

With the number of kids who played the field during the average middle school PE kickball game, you likely reached on an error every single time. Reaching on an error does not count towards your average in baseball, so neither should it in kickball. You swung your foot as hard as you could, but unless you played soccer, you really had no idea how best to kick a ball far. And in the field, forget it. Since pegging was a thing, you fancied yourself some sort of fireballer and tried to throw runners out on the reg instead of simply tagging the base first.

Such actions rarely worked out and usually resulted in an overthrow that landed the ball 50-some feet away and allowed runners to advance to the next bases … unless, of course, you didn’t learn your lesson (which you didn’t) and proceeded to try another throw, allowing them to advance still further. The best defensive play in kickball is undoubtedly just rolling the ball back to the pitcher for the next kicker and hope he’ll kick a fly ball to someone who can catch.

Image courtesy of Wikipedia

5. Dodgeball

Unless you used the small, youth-sized balls, you couldn’t quite fit your hand around those dodgeball balls. This made it rather difficult to get optimal velocity and accuracy on your throws. How many times did you go in for a throw just to have the ball come out of your hand early? How many times did you leave yourself completely vulnerable to counterattacks by wallowing in your own glory after getting a hit on the opponent?

My guess is you never tried to catch thrown balls and elected to dodge them instead. The catch is such a game changer though! Just remember, if you can dodge a wrench (or traffic) you can dodge a ball.

6. Four square

Classic childhood game of pretty much no skill at all. If you brag(ged) about how good you are (were) at four square, I just feel sorry for you and anyone who has to hear you.

7. Capture the flag

Whether you were fast or slow, capture the flag was a test of patience and teamwork. I was slow, so I mostly stayed on my team’s side and tried catching would-be flag grabbers. Honestly, in middle school, capture the flag was a s***show, often consisting of 10-year-old-brain-developed schemes and rogue teammates. Any semblance of efficiency was thrown out the window, and perhaps four or five real chances were had at an opponent’s flag throughout the half-hour of play. If you were one of those players who went for the gusto, you probably remember sitting in jail for way too long because everyone else was too much of a sissy to come free you.

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